Laws and Baseball Bats

I've been in a bit of a down mood lately. Here's a Dave-Barry-inspired humorous piece I wrote in 2009, in case you've been feeling the same. Enjoy!

Laws and Baseball Bats

            Hello there and welcome to Science Class 101! Today’s Fascinating Topic of Discussion (during which you will probably nod off) is: Newton’s Three Laws of Physics! That’s right. These Laws are so powerful and inescapable that you are probably snoring with your head on your desk in a pool of your own saliva from the mere thought of them, which goes to show that you are still obeying Newton’s Law of Gravity, a sort of Bonus Law scientists awarded him when they saw how clever his first three were. See how oppressive our scientific system is? You’re still following a law awarded years ago to some dead guy who wore a wig.

            I think it is unfair that Newton gets three laws all to himself, while I, though I have just as many, if not more, cleverly worded sayings, cannot have even one law. Newton refuses to share a law with me, and, given the current state of his mind, is not likely to budge from his position on the issue. This is a shame, because I have already thought of several good ones, such as my Law of Neutrality, my Law of Electrolytes, and my Law requiring people engaged in tooth-brushing to stay in the part of the house designated for disgusting activities (directly in front of the bathroom sink), which would prevent the increase of minty-smelling saliva specks in other, more habitable, parts of the home.

            So here we are today, discussing Newton’s Laws, instead of mine. Newton’s First Law of Physics states, “An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.” This means that you will keep your head on your desk until some unbalanced force, like me with a baseball bat, sneaks up behind you and shoves you in a menacing manner. At the approach of this unbalanced force, you will cease to remain at rest but will sit bolt upright and focus on my discussion of Newton’s next two Laws.

            Newton’s Second Law of Physics required slightly more insight, and probably caused Newton to sweat profusely into his wig and have it sent off to the 17^th Century Wig Cleaners Guild. The result of this sweat was the following: “Acceleration is produced when a force acts on a mass. The greater the mass, the greater the amount of force needed.” This Law results in a nifty little equation, F=ma, in which F stands for force, m for mass, and a for acceleration, though if the letters stood for fights, muscles, and annoying little brothers the equation would still hold true.

            Newton’s Third Law took him no time at all to create. It is, in fact, quite obvious to any parent of teenage boys. This Law, “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction,” shows why, if you ask your teenage son to empty the trashcan, he will, without fail, get up and move away from the trashcan toward the stairs up to his room, claiming he has some urgent homework he had forgotten about until just that moment. It also shows that Newton had a teenage son.

            So there you have them. Newton’s Three Laws of Physics, constantly explaining why everyone in the world behaves as bizarrely as they do. You may now feel free to stand up and resume your normal mental functions. No really, you should, because your teenage son IS STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU WITH A BASEBALL BAT.